Parent Fomo: The fear that your kid is missing out.
We’ve all been there—receiving an email from a local program encouraging us to sign up our child for a sports offering. Of course, we want our kids to have options and the freedom to unlock their potential and discover a passion in life. We want them to have opportunities that maybe we didn’t have growing up. For me, my parents could only afford one or two park and rec offerings during the summer. Getting there often required either my grandma or my bicycle. So, when I received an email from a youth soccer program, I asked myself, does my 4-year-old really need organized club soccer? The short answer is no. But what my 4-year-old does need is the opportunity to listen to another adult, follow directions, and socialize with other kids his age.
Yet, I couldn’t help but ask myself, if I don’t sign him up, will he fall behind his peers? Will he be able to make a high school team? Calm down, Lauren—he’s 4. There are many factors outside of my control that will shape his future.
These are the normal pressures we feel as parents. We want to set our kids up for success in every aspect of their lives. We have FOMO (fear of missing out) or really fear of our kids missing out. For many of us, athletics played an important role in our own experiences. But our expectations or dreams may not match our children’s. Imagine me, a former college rugby and tennis player, having a middle school student who doesn’t want to play a sport because they don’t want the attention!
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want people cheering for me. It makes me uncomfortable.”
Understood. So we brainstormed together ways to handle attention on team sports and created a list of other things they’d like to do where an abundance of attention wouldn’t be a factor, like golf, STEM club, chess club, fishing… I followed their lead, to help find offerings that were more suited to their personality.
So, what do we do when we have high school student-athletes who want to excel, and we’re struggling to support their athletic endeavors?
First, we need to remove ourselves from the equation. If your student chooses to be passionate about something, we as parents need to follow their lead. We need to support them without adding pressure and avoid attaching our past experiences or feelings to their situation. Did you have a bad experience with your freshman basketball coach? I’m sorry that happened, but that doesn’t mean your child will have the same experience. Let your student set the pace for the level of commitment they’re comfortable with. Showing interest in something doesn’t mean they’re ready for an all-star 2-week sleep-away camp. Let them toe-dip and they’ll set the pace. The number one way to ensure they dislike something or quit is to force them to go too fast too soon.
Recognize the demands of being a high school student-athlete and find ways to support them. These students attend school all day, navigate classwork, social situations, and cafeteria food, then spend 2-3 hours at athletic practice, only to come home and finish their homework. How can you support them through such a long day? I often ask, how many adults go to work for a full day, then spend a couple of hours at the gym, and still manage to make dinner and tend to household and family demands? It’s a LONG day. Support them by creating systems in your home that help them be prepared for their day. Partnering with them to decide what snacks or prepared food they want to take for the day is the easiest way to ensure your young athlete has ongoing fuel throughout the day. Many insurance plans in Vermont will allow for nutritionists at no cost if you’re unsure about your student’s nutritional needs.
Manage your expectations. Go back to your family’s core beliefs and goals. What are you hoping for your child? I’m sure it’s something along the lines of them being happy, healthy, and successful. Success looks different for each child, depending on their personality and needs. Along with this, are you fostering honest communication with your student to ensure they can talk to you when things get hard or when they need a change because their schedule is hard to manage? Do you have a family philosophy about quitting? Having these conversations early and often can help your student-athlete feel comfortable coming to you about the pressures they may be experiencing and can help you manage your own expectations regarding their athletic endeavors.
Back to me for a second: I identify as an athlete. One of my children does (4), and one does not (13). We know that students who have a sense of belonging do better in school and in life, so our family’s core belief is that everyone must find a community in something. Instead of pressuring my child into something that isn’t a good fit, we work with them to find something they’ll enjoy. I find the athletic endeavors I enjoy, and I don’t place that responsibility on my son’s shoulders. All too many times, those who cannot separate their expectations from their child’s are the loudest parents at the game, blaming refs, and being toxic at the event.
Lastly, find the balance between pushing for excellence and allowing room for fun and enjoyment. Kids will quit when it’s no longer fun. They will quit when they are pushed beyond their ability. If your student is a dynamite U-12 player and the U-14 group wants them to play up, be mindful that this could lead to your student no longer loving the game. They might have thrived as a standout in their age group, but playing up could lead to burnout because it’s no longer as fun, it’s much harder, and they’re not experiencing the same level of success they had with their peers. This isn’t always the case, but as we push for excellence and growth, we must stay mindful of our kids still finding love and enjoyment in what they are doing.
The 2024 Summer Olympics showed that not all athletes started at age 4. There was a bicyclist who started at 34 and made the Olympics. Vermont’s Ilona Maher started playing rugby at 17 and was a stand-out athlete. If you want to read more about this topic, check out Malcolm Gladwell’s 2008 book, Outliers.
